TITLE:  The Amazing Adventures of Captain Fox Phaserbait and 
His Trusty Sidekick Nurse Dana Savetheday 

AUTHORS: The Princess of Paranoia <scullygal@hotmail.com> and 
Spider Angel <spiderangel@my-Deja.com> 

CLASSIFICATION:  How do you classify something that is so full of 
raging lunacy...<sigh> If you really want to know, Crossover 
Humour (we hope)...with a bit of PLOT!  <gasp> 

DISCLAIMER:  The ideas and characters in this story mostly aren't 
ours, have never been ours, and will in all likeliness never be 
ours.  You know who they belong to.  But the ideas and characters 
that aren't theirs, are ours.  They always have been ours, and 
because we don't plan on selling them, will probably always be 
ours.  *YAY* 

ARCHIVE:  Yes please!  Just tell us where it's going. *S* 

NOTES:  This story takes place in a different Universe, somewhere 
between Chris Carter's X-Files Universe and Gene  Roddenberry's 
Star Trek Universe...in a place called the "Silly-Verse".  <cue 
dramatic music>  If you've not watched at least one Trek ep you 
may not understand this...but it should be funny anyway.

What follows may scare you...tell us. 
What follows may delight you beyond belief...tell us. 
What follows may find you indifferent...tell us. 


x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x-- 

Voice-over (you know you love 'em) 

If Starfleet can be compared to the J. Edgar Hoover 
Building, the USS. Hopeless is a basement office.  Her Captain is 
one Fox Phaserbait who is, in the opinion of most of the Admirals 
Who Decide Things, completely nuts.  His life is focused on one 
task: to find his dog, Eulb, who was abducted from his house on 
Earth Colony 42 when poor Phaserbait was a child.  He believes 
that he *will* someday find Eulb, and bring that naughty band of 
puppy-snatchers to justice. 
 
The Admirals Who Decide Things assigned one Nurse Dana 
Savetheday (she is a medical doctor, was a physics major at the 
Academy,  and holds numerous other qualifications...too many to 
mention...suffice it to say that she *knows* what she's doing) to 
bring Phaserbait to reason, and to help him forget about his 
"silly little quest".  But then trusty Dr. Nurse Dana went and 
fell in love with Fox, totally messing up all of those evil 
Admirals Who Decide Things's plans.  Ooohhh...bad girl. 

Our story begins as Phaserbait is attempting to negotiate 
with the commanding officer of some hostile aliens. 

Captain Fox Phaserbait:  <rather meekly>...but sir, we are 
on a peaceful mission to a nearby star system.  We had no idea 
this was a war zone, much less that we weren't supposed to be 
here. 

Alien Commander:  <indignant> Not supposed to be here? No, 
captain, by your own Galactic Federation rules, you are not 
to interfere with our war.  Besides, you almost destroyed our 
star with your <censored> warp field.  I must ask you to divert 
your course around the next three systems.  <to communications 
officer> End trans-- 

Phaserbait:  <with growing confidence, realizing that he 
*IS* a Federation captain, and can order around alien races>  I 
don't think so.  We have stated our course, and we *intend* to 
stick to it.  Meet me on the surface of that moon over there in 
half an hour...we'll settle this once and for all. <triumphantly>  
End transmission. 

<The view screen blinks on and off, swirls around for a bit, 
and then goes blank.  A few seconds later, cartoon elephants in 
tutus and ballet slippers are on screen dancing to music from 
'Swan Lake'.> 

Phaserbait:  Does everyone like the new screen saver?? 

<There are a few muttered responses, as technicians try to 
undo everything that Phaserbait did to the view screen.  Nurse 
Dana Savetheday walks over to Phaserbait, who is practicing 
heroic stances.> 

Nurse Dana Savetheday:  Er, Captain, will anyone be 
accompanying you to the moon?  I mean, our captain must never 
intentionally endanger himself or his crew, section 57, article 
82, regulation 28. 

Phaserbait:  <startled by Savetheday>  Uh?  What?  Don't you 
quote regulations to me, crewman. 

<resumes heroic stances> 

Savetheday:  <becomes annoyed -- this happens rather a lot> 
Captain! 

Phaserbait:  Oh, Dana, 

Savetheday:  <slightly more annoyed, and embarrassed>  It's 
Nurse when we're on duty, Captain. 

Phaserbait:  <suddenly professional>  Yes Nurse Savetheday? 

Savetheday:  <very annoyed>  Who will be accompanying you to 
the moon? 

Phaserbait:  <confused>  When was I going to a moon? 

Savetheday:  <almost hyperventilating>  Captain!  You're 
going to meet the alien commander on that moon in less than 
twenty minutes.  <She points to the view screen, thankfully sans 
screen saver> 

Phaserbait:  <casual>  Oh, hey, really?  Well, it'll be 
nothing.  I'll just get down to the transporter room, and beam 
meself down. 

<He heads off to the turbolift, and then turns around> 

Phaserbait:  <to Savetheday>  Just why was I going to do on 
the planet, anyway? 

<Savetheday runs to Phaserbait, and shoves him into the 
turbolift.  She gives the bridge crew a Patented Dana Savetheday 
Look, and they continue on with what they were doing.  She 
follows Phaserbait into the turbolift.  They descend, exit and 
head to the transporter room.> 

Savetheday:  ...You challenged him to a fight, Captain, and 
that was incredibly stupid.  You *can't* fight him, Captain. 
You'll lose for sure, maybe even get killed.  And I can't let 
that happen to my Fox, now can I?  Why can't you just have agreed 
to divert our course around their territory... 

Phaserbait:  Because, Dana... 

Savetheday:  "Nurse" 

Phaserbait:  ... "Nurse", whatever... 

Savetheday:  <mutters>  Whatever. 

Phaserbait:  <unaware that Savetheday said anything>  
...That alien commander *knows* something. 

Savetheday:  Oh Bob, no.  Not again. 

Phaserbait:  When I was twelve years old, in a past life 
sometime around the twentieth century or so, my pet dog was 
abducted by some Klingons who were smoking Morleys.  The dog's 
name was Eulb.  She *is* out there, Nurse.  I can feel it.... 

<Phaserbait keeps babbling, and throughout his speech, 
Savetheday has to direct him around crew members, corners and 
blobs of mayonnaise that have a habit of appearing on twenty- 
fifth century starships.  They arrive at the transporter room.> 

Phaserbait:  ...take this door for example.  Why does it 
open for me, and then shut after me.  <Noticing he is, for once, 
actually *talking* to another person.>  Us, I mean.  Why <pause> 
does it <pause> openjustfor <really long pause> ME? 

<Savetheday smacks Phaserbait in the arm.> 

Savetheday:  We're here.  The door opens because I just 
asked it to, okay?  Don't trouble yourself with the mysteries of 
the ship, that's Lieutenant Fixerupper's job.  Now, for the last 
time, who is coming with you to the moon? 

Phaserbait:  Jeez, I dunno.  You're better than I am at that 
sort of thing.  Just, you know, pick some guys, and let's go! 

<To Nurse Dana K. Savetheday, nurse extraordinaire, Captain 
Phaserbait was really getting excited at the thought of getting 
the crap beaten out of him, again.  Savetheday suppresses a 
shudder and shoves him onto the transporter pad.  She then turns 
to the crew members she had assembled *ahead* of time and issues 
final instructions.> 

Savetheday:  All right folks, don't forget:  stay out of the 
line of fire, and out of the Captain's way.  Lieutenant Beamemup?  
You know what to do. 

<Everyone assembles on the transporter pads as Savetheday 
relishes her position on the ship.  *bonus* Nurse Dana's interior 
monologue added here, for your pleasure and entertainment:  <Why 
the hell am I surrounded by such incompetent morons?  I could 
have taken that assignment they offered a few years back...why 
didn't I?  Oh... now I remember... Fox... um... how could I leave 
*that...*> After these thoughts pass through her head, she 
dematerializes.> 

<And reappeared on the moon's surface, where... 

~end 1/?~

Well...we'll just have to wait for part two to find out what 
Happens... 


"The lizard swims at night deliciously."  Gillian Anderson 

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The Amazing Adventures of Captain Fox Phaserbait and his 
trusty sidekick, Nurse Dana Savetheday. Part 2/whatever 

--SCENE 2 

<The away-team of the USS Hopeless materializes on the 
strange planet in order to meet the hostile alien 
beings...whoever they are. The crew are taken aback by the 
strange appearance of the planet. It is made entirely of a 
substance found only on Earth Colony 42.> 


Nurse Dana Savetheday: <raises eyebrow> Captain, we're on a 
planet made of green Jell-O!  This is so strange.  No life form 
should be able to withstand the evils of Jell-O winters....

Captain Fox Phaserbait: Are you trying to tell me something, 
Nurse? 

Savetheday:  What I'm saying is that whoever these aliens we 
are meeting here are, they must be far superior to us. You're 
going to get yourself killed again. <Savetheday gives a look of 
look of concern, which Phaserbait fails to see as he is far too 
busy practicing heroic stances...> 

<Savetheday's voice drifts off, as she notices a giant 
gaseous cloud heading strait for the away team> 

Phaserbait:  Don't worry, Nurse...a giant gaseous cloud is 
no match for me!!!!! <hysterical, demonic laughter follows, 
scaring the entire crew present. They begin muttering to 
themselves about why they have not yet committed mutiny is a 
complete mystery to all> 

<Savetheday gives him a glare as the gaseous cloud begins 
taking on humanoid form, and swears that she sees Phaserbait 
gulp> 

Phaserbait: Ooookay...maybe not.  But you've seen me run!! 

<Just as Phaserbait is about to continue his explanation 
regarding his odds of living, the giant gas cloud completes its 
transformation.  The Away Team gasps in horror when they see what 
it has transformed into.> 

Phaserbait: <in true William Shatner fashion> Ohmy.... god. 
I.... can't.... believeit.  It's KERMIT THE FROG!!!! The Evil 
King of the Planet Jell-Otron!!!! 

<Kermit the Frog, is now accompanied by a band of his fellow 
Muppets: Roz, Fozzie Bear, Rizzo the Rat, Animal.... Miss Piggy 
is, however, no where to be seen.> 

<Dana Savetheday, realizing that her Captain is too stupid 
to begin civilized negotiations himself, starts conversation with 
Kermit and his band of Lunatics from Jell-Oton> 

Savetheday: I'm sorry, Mr. Frog. How am I to address you? We 
want no part of your war. We deeply regret the problems brought 
on to your Star as a result of our warp field. We simply wish to 
get to our destination as quickly as possible. 

Kermit: You may address me as Ambassador Kermit, of the 
planet Jell-Otron. As for your <censored> Warp Field, your 
apology is accepted. It is not your fault that your crew is made 
up of incompetent humans. 

<Savetheday, feeling that the time has passed for beings to 
get diced like melon balls... oh wait... those are *round*...> 

<Savetheday, feeling that the time has passed for beings to 
get killed and turned into melon balls, walks to Kermit the 
Ambassador and puts a friendly arm around his shoulder. The start 
off across the sticky, wobbly world.> 

Savetheday: I really must apologize for the Captain, 
Ambassador, he's rather off his rocker. You see, when he was 
twelve....

<As they leave the scene, the Muppets and the Hopeless crew 
mix and start pulling various practical jokes on each other. 
Phaserbait, is having no part of the festivities. He isJell-O 
sculpting a bust of his lost little puppy, Eulb.> 

Sound Effects Guy: ***Scream!*** Crash, zoom! Splut! 

All: Oh no! It's the EVIL ONE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 

<All scatter, except for, of course, our beloved Captain 
Fox. *Then* he realizes what happened.  The Evil One has landed 
on Jell-Otron!> 

Phaserbait:  Not again! Why do you hate me so? Why must you 
always inflict your wrath on me? <whimper> 

<Now would be a fine time to explain who the Evil One is.> 

The Evil One:  I AM! 

<Yes, yes, I know... I mean what form you take, what your 
motivation is...> 

The Evil One:  Oh, *that's* hard... 

<Please be quiet, you're ruining the effect.> 

The Evil One:  <says nothing, but appears rather humbled> 

<Thanks. Now where is that file... oh, here it is... 
<reading> 
"Subject: The Evil One, common moniker given to one Miss 
Piggy..."> 

Miss Piggy: 'Ms.' to you, punk. 

<"*Ms.* Piggy, alias 'Diana Fowley'. 
Powers: Full extent as yet unknown. 
History: A femme fatale, she was eager to be a T.V. 
anchorwoman. When that failed she turned to a life of crime and 
deception on the planet Earth.  After that didn't go so well, she 
discovered she had some sort of magic powers, and decided her 
career should be making people's lives living Hell. 
Unfortunately, she has done pretty well in this final career 
move. Her prime target seems to be one Captain Fox Phaserbait. 
Thus we return to the story."> 

Ms. Piggy a.k.a. The Evil One a.k.a. Diana Fowley: Aha!! 
I've got you now, you silly Fox, you!!
<insert evil demonic laughter here> 

~end 2/?~

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Well, that's all for now folks! Feedback is much 
appreciated. *S* 



"If we fail to anticipate the unforseen or expect the 
unexpected in a universe of infinite possibilities we may may 
find ourselves at the mercy of anyone or anything that cannot be 
programmed, categorized or easily referenced." 
--Fox Mulder 

"Time's glory is to calm contending kings, to unmask 
falsehood and bring truth to light." 
--Will Shakespeare