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TITLE: The Amazing Adventures of Captain Fox Phaserbait and
His Trusty Sidekick Nurse Dana Savetheday
AUTHORS: The Princess of Paranoia <scullygal@hotmail.com> and
Spider Angel <spiderangel@my-Deja.com>
CLASSIFICATION: How do you classify something that is so full of
raging lunacy...<sigh> If you really want to know, Crossover
Humour (we hope)...with a bit of PLOT! <gasp>
DISCLAIMER: The ideas and characters in this story mostly aren't
ours, have never been ours, and will in all likeliness never be
ours. You know who they belong to. But the ideas and characters
that aren't theirs, are ours. They always have been ours, and
because we don't plan on selling them, will probably always be
ours. *YAY*
ARCHIVE: Yes please! Just tell us where it's going. *S*
NOTES: This story takes place in a different Universe, somewhere
between Chris Carter's X-Files Universe and Gene Roddenberry's
Star Trek Universe...in a place called the "Silly-Verse". <cue
dramatic music> If you've not watched at least one Trek ep you
may not understand this...but it should be funny anyway.
What follows may scare you...tell us.
What follows may delight you beyond belief...tell us.
What follows may find you indifferent...tell us.
x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x--
Voice-over (you know you love 'em)
If Starfleet can be compared to the J. Edgar Hoover
Building, the USS. Hopeless is a basement office. Her Captain is
one Fox Phaserbait who is, in the opinion of most of the Admirals
Who Decide Things, completely nuts. His life is focused on one
task: to find his dog, Eulb, who was abducted from his house on
Earth Colony 42 when poor Phaserbait was a child. He believes
that he *will* someday find Eulb, and bring that naughty band of
puppy-snatchers to justice.
The Admirals Who Decide Things assigned one Nurse Dana
Savetheday (she is a medical doctor, was a physics major at the
Academy, and holds numerous other qualifications...too many to
mention...suffice it to say that she *knows* what she's doing) to
bring Phaserbait to reason, and to help him forget about his
"silly little quest". But then trusty Dr. Nurse Dana went and
fell in love with Fox, totally messing up all of those evil
Admirals Who Decide Things's plans. Ooohhh...bad girl.
Our story begins as Phaserbait is attempting to negotiate
with the commanding officer of some hostile aliens.
Captain Fox Phaserbait: <rather meekly>...but sir, we are
on a peaceful mission to a nearby star system. We had no idea
this was a war zone, much less that we weren't supposed to be
here.
Alien Commander: <indignant> Not supposed to be here? No,
captain, by your own Galactic Federation rules, you are not
to interfere with our war. Besides, you almost destroyed our
star with your <censored> warp field. I must ask you to divert
your course around the next three systems. <to communications
officer> End trans--
Phaserbait: <with growing confidence, realizing that he
*IS* a Federation captain, and can order around alien races> I
don't think so. We have stated our course, and we *intend* to
stick to it. Meet me on the surface of that moon over there in
half an hour...we'll settle this once and for all. <triumphantly>
End transmission.
<The view screen blinks on and off, swirls around for a bit,
and then goes blank. A few seconds later, cartoon elephants in
tutus and ballet slippers are on screen dancing to music from
'Swan Lake'.>
Phaserbait: Does everyone like the new screen saver??
<There are a few muttered responses, as technicians try to
undo everything that Phaserbait did to the view screen. Nurse
Dana Savetheday walks over to Phaserbait, who is practicing
heroic stances.>
Nurse Dana Savetheday: Er, Captain, will anyone be
accompanying you to the moon? I mean, our captain must never
intentionally endanger himself or his crew, section 57, article
82, regulation 28.
Phaserbait: <startled by Savetheday> Uh? What? Don't you
quote regulations to me, crewman.
<resumes heroic stances>
Savetheday: <becomes annoyed -- this happens rather a lot>
Captain!
Phaserbait: Oh, Dana,
Savetheday: <slightly more annoyed, and embarrassed> It's
Nurse when we're on duty, Captain.
Phaserbait: <suddenly professional> Yes Nurse Savetheday?
Savetheday: <very annoyed> Who will be accompanying you to
the moon?
Phaserbait: <confused> When was I going to a moon?
Savetheday: <almost hyperventilating> Captain! You're
going to meet the alien commander on that moon in less than
twenty minutes. <She points to the view screen, thankfully sans
screen saver>
Phaserbait: <casual> Oh, hey, really? Well, it'll be
nothing. I'll just get down to the transporter room, and beam
meself down.
<He heads off to the turbolift, and then turns around>
Phaserbait: <to Savetheday> Just why was I going to do on
the planet, anyway?
<Savetheday runs to Phaserbait, and shoves him into the
turbolift. She gives the bridge crew a Patented Dana Savetheday
Look, and they continue on with what they were doing. She
follows Phaserbait into the turbolift. They descend, exit and
head to the transporter room.>
Savetheday: ...You challenged him to a fight, Captain, and
that was incredibly stupid. You *can't* fight him, Captain.
You'll lose for sure, maybe even get killed. And I can't let
that happen to my Fox, now can I? Why can't you just have agreed
to divert our course around their territory...
Phaserbait: Because, Dana...
Savetheday: "Nurse"
Phaserbait: ... "Nurse", whatever...
Savetheday: <mutters> Whatever.
Phaserbait: <unaware that Savetheday said anything>
...That alien commander *knows* something.
Savetheday: Oh Bob, no. Not again.
Phaserbait: When I was twelve years old, in a past life
sometime around the twentieth century or so, my pet dog was
abducted by some Klingons who were smoking Morleys. The dog's
name was Eulb. She *is* out there, Nurse. I can feel it....
<Phaserbait keeps babbling, and throughout his speech,
Savetheday has to direct him around crew members, corners and
blobs of mayonnaise that have a habit of appearing on twenty-
fifth century starships. They arrive at the transporter room.>
Phaserbait: ...take this door for example. Why does it
open for me, and then shut after me. <Noticing he is, for once,
actually *talking* to another person.> Us, I mean. Why <pause>
does it <pause> openjustfor <really long pause> ME?
<Savetheday smacks Phaserbait in the arm.>
Savetheday: We're here. The door opens because I just
asked it to, okay? Don't trouble yourself with the mysteries of
the ship, that's Lieutenant Fixerupper's job. Now, for the last
time, who is coming with you to the moon?
Phaserbait: Jeez, I dunno. You're better than I am at that
sort of thing. Just, you know, pick some guys, and let's go!
<To Nurse Dana K. Savetheday, nurse extraordinaire, Captain
Phaserbait was really getting excited at the thought of getting
the crap beaten out of him, again. Savetheday suppresses a
shudder and shoves him onto the transporter pad. She then turns
to the crew members she had assembled *ahead* of time and issues
final instructions.>
Savetheday: All right folks, don't forget: stay out of the
line of fire, and out of the Captain's way. Lieutenant Beamemup?
You know what to do.
<Everyone assembles on the transporter pads as Savetheday
relishes her position on the ship. *bonus* Nurse Dana's interior
monologue added here, for your pleasure and entertainment: <Why
the hell am I surrounded by such incompetent morons? I could
have taken that assignment they offered a few years back...why
didn't I? Oh... now I remember... Fox... um... how could I leave
*that...*> After these thoughts pass through her head, she
dematerializes.>
<And reappeared on the moon's surface, where...
~end 1/?~
Well...we'll just have to wait for part two to find out what
Happens...
"The lizard swims at night deliciously." Gillian Anderson
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Amazing Adventures of Captain Fox Phaserbait and his
trusty sidekick, Nurse Dana Savetheday. Part 2/whatever
--SCENE 2
<The away-team of the USS Hopeless materializes on the
strange planet in order to meet the hostile alien
beings...whoever they are. The crew are taken aback by the
strange appearance of the planet. It is made entirely of a
substance found only on Earth Colony 42.>
Nurse Dana Savetheday: <raises eyebrow> Captain, we're on a
planet made of green Jell-O! This is so strange. No life form
should be able to withstand the evils of Jell-O winters....
Captain Fox Phaserbait: Are you trying to tell me something,
Nurse?
Savetheday: What I'm saying is that whoever these aliens we
are meeting here are, they must be far superior to us. You're
going to get yourself killed again. <Savetheday gives a look of
look of concern, which Phaserbait fails to see as he is far too
busy practicing heroic stances...>
<Savetheday's voice drifts off, as she notices a giant
gaseous cloud heading strait for the away team>
Phaserbait: Don't worry, Nurse...a giant gaseous cloud is
no match for me!!!!! <hysterical, demonic laughter follows,
scaring the entire crew present. They begin muttering to
themselves about why they have not yet committed mutiny is a
complete mystery to all>
<Savetheday gives him a glare as the gaseous cloud begins
taking on humanoid form, and swears that she sees Phaserbait
gulp>
Phaserbait: Ooookay...maybe not. But you've seen me run!!
<Just as Phaserbait is about to continue his explanation
regarding his odds of living, the giant gas cloud completes its
transformation. The Away Team gasps in horror when they see what
it has transformed into.>
Phaserbait: <in true William Shatner fashion> Ohmy.... god.
I.... can't.... believeit. It's KERMIT THE FROG!!!! The Evil
King of the Planet Jell-Otron!!!!
<Kermit the Frog, is now accompanied by a band of his fellow
Muppets: Roz, Fozzie Bear, Rizzo the Rat, Animal.... Miss Piggy
is, however, no where to be seen.>
<Dana Savetheday, realizing that her Captain is too stupid
to begin civilized negotiations himself, starts conversation with
Kermit and his band of Lunatics from Jell-Oton>
Savetheday: I'm sorry, Mr. Frog. How am I to address you? We
want no part of your war. We deeply regret the problems brought
on to your Star as a result of our warp field. We simply wish to
get to our destination as quickly as possible.
Kermit: You may address me as Ambassador Kermit, of the
planet Jell-Otron. As for your <censored> Warp Field, your
apology is accepted. It is not your fault that your crew is made
up of incompetent humans.
<Savetheday, feeling that the time has passed for beings to
get diced like melon balls... oh wait... those are *round*...>
<Savetheday, feeling that the time has passed for beings to
get killed and turned into melon balls, walks to Kermit the
Ambassador and puts a friendly arm around his shoulder. The start
off across the sticky, wobbly world.>
Savetheday: I really must apologize for the Captain,
Ambassador, he's rather off his rocker. You see, when he was
twelve....
<As they leave the scene, the Muppets and the Hopeless crew
mix and start pulling various practical jokes on each other.
Phaserbait, is having no part of the festivities. He isJell-O
sculpting a bust of his lost little puppy, Eulb.>
Sound Effects Guy: ***Scream!*** Crash, zoom! Splut!
All: Oh no! It's the EVIL ONE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
<All scatter, except for, of course, our beloved Captain
Fox. *Then* he realizes what happened. The Evil One has landed
on Jell-Otron!>
Phaserbait: Not again! Why do you hate me so? Why must you
always inflict your wrath on me? <whimper>
<Now would be a fine time to explain who the Evil One is.>
The Evil One: I AM!
<Yes, yes, I know... I mean what form you take, what your
motivation is...>
The Evil One: Oh, *that's* hard...
<Please be quiet, you're ruining the effect.>
The Evil One: <says nothing, but appears rather humbled>
<Thanks. Now where is that file... oh, here it is...
<reading>
"Subject: The Evil One, common moniker given to one Miss
Piggy...">
Miss Piggy: 'Ms.' to you, punk.
<"*Ms.* Piggy, alias 'Diana Fowley'.
Powers: Full extent as yet unknown.
History: A femme fatale, she was eager to be a T.V.
anchorwoman. When that failed she turned to a life of crime and
deception on the planet Earth. After that didn't go so well, she
discovered she had some sort of magic powers, and decided her
career should be making people's lives living Hell.
Unfortunately, she has done pretty well in this final career
move. Her prime target seems to be one Captain Fox Phaserbait.
Thus we return to the story.">
Ms. Piggy a.k.a. The Evil One a.k.a. Diana Fowley: Aha!!
I've got you now, you silly Fox, you!!
<insert evil demonic laughter here>
~end 2/?~
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XXXXX
Well, that's all for now folks! Feedback is much
appreciated. *S*
"If we fail to anticipate the unforseen or expect the
unexpected in a universe of infinite possibilities we may may
find ourselves at the mercy of anyone or anything that cannot be
programmed, categorized or easily referenced."
--Fox Mulder
"Time's glory is to calm contending kings, to unmask
falsehood and bring truth to light."
--Will Shakespeare